| 07 June 2010
Want to read something embarrassing? Let me paint the scene: May, 1999. I'm an 18-year-old freshman in college, and I've been anxiously awaiting the arrival of what is sure to be the greatest movie of all-time, "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace". My favorite sports website of the time (shows how times have changed, huh?) is The Sporting News. The week that "Phantom Menace" was to premiere, TSN asked its readers to relate "Star Wars" to sports in some way. I got a little too excited about it, and wrote this way-too-long re-imagining of the original trilogy as a hockey match (three movies = three periods! Get it?).
TSN printed the piece that week, and I was pretty excited, sending it to all my friends and saving it for posterity. Somewhere along the way, though, I lost all copies. Which was a bummer this winter, when I was hoping to pull out the story during the height of Olympic hockey. But never fear! My buddy found a copy of the story over the weekend and sent it along to me. And with Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals on Wednesday, there isn't a better time to republish it.
So, please, enjoy the official re-release of the Star Wars Hockey match! (Really, I'm serious!)
Welcome to the Hoth Arena, where tonight we will witness what promises to be the most exciting game of hockey ever played, between the Rebels and the Galactic Empire. Led by the massive and highly talented Darth Vader at center and the always intense and intimidating Emperor Palpatine in goal, the Galactic Empire looks to stomp the young Rebels once and for all.
The Rebels are led by venerable Obi-Wan Kenobi at right-wing, but the Rebels appear to be nothing more than a patchwork team. Because of insufficient funds, the Rebels' team wasn't even put together when this game was announced. So, much like Frank Wren, the Rebels' GM had little to work with.
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After having watched practice these past few days, I have to say it looks like he found some real gems. The two brightest: a young farm boy from the distant Tatooine, Luke Skywalker, and the brash Han Solo. Rounding out the Rebels' main line are the seven-foot defenseman Chewbacca, Leia Organa, a proven female defenseman, and Jan Dodonna between the posts.
The Empire put together an All-Star line in hopes of containing the Rebels' rampant youth. At center, the hard-hitting, slick-skating, high-scoring Sith-lord, Darth Vader. His wings will be Grand Moff Tarkin and Admiral Motti, two accomplished stick-handlers and goal scorers.
The defensive line the Empire has elected to start is the only surprising move so far. General Tagge will start on the left side (no surprise there). However, the right-defenseman is not so automatic of a decision. It will be Greedo, a young Rodian the Empire has seen potential in. Apparently, the coach believes the Greedo-Solo matchup will be excellent.
And let's not forget who will be starting between the pipes for the Empire, none other than Emperor Palpatine, who has had a stranglehold on opposing teams for nearly two decades. His career GAA is less than 2.00, and he has more shutouts in his career than any other goalie in history.
First period, 00:00 -- The two centers are staring at each other with looks of hatred on their faces. Their sticks pound the ice as the entire Hoth Arena waits for the referee to drop the puck. And the puck falls! With alarmingly quick reflexes, Skywalker's stick connects with the puck as it hits the ice, and the Rebels win the faceoff. The pass is knocked to the right and Organa takes off with it. She makes a quick move past Tagge, and she is now past the blue line.
But here comes Vader. With his superior speed, and nearly 250 pounds on Organa, their minor collision causes Organa to lose her footing and fall to the ice. Vader clears the puck out of the zone and takes it past the center line. Kenobi and Chewbacca stand between him and the net. And there's the hit! Chewbacca and Vader collide, sending the crowd into an horrendous uproar.
With this type of physical hockey, this game promises to be as exciting as hyped.
First period, 4:17 -- Solo picks up the rebound and takes it behind the net as he waits for the play to develop. But what's this? Greedo is coming in from Solo's blind side! Solo sees him and squares to accept the hit. They collide, and what a collision! Solo stays up, but it looks like Greedo is down for the count. The whistle blows, and Greedo will be coming out of the game.
First period, 11:53 -- What a steal by Skywalker! He's ahead of everyone on the ice! It looks like a breakaway opportunity for the young man. He better watch out, though. Vader sees him, and he appears to have a great angle. But Kenobi cuts off Vader, who sends Kenobi sprawling on the ice. Kenobi gets up slowly. Skywalker pulls up the stick, but it's a fake shot! Palpatine was fooled just enough, though. Luke slips the puck past him, and the Rebels have the first goal of the game! The crowd is in an uproar!
What an amazing play by Skywalker! The Rebels' have really found a gem in this young Skywalker. We have just received word, though, that that hit by Vader was more damaging than could be imagined. Kenobi will not be returning to the ice for the rest of the game. Let's hope the Rebels can come back from this devastating blow.
First period, 19:01 -- We're down to one minute left in the period, and the Rebels are still up by one. They have compensated nicely for the loss of Kenobi with young Wedge Antilles on the wing.
The Rebels have control of the puck. Organa to Solo. Solo passes the puck to Skywalker, who passes the center line. He drops the puck back to Antilles, though. You know, Vader can be an awfully intimidating force, even when he's 10 feet from the puck. Antilles speeds up, as the entire front line goes on the attack. This looks to be like the beginning of a play they've been working on all week, a play that's been loosely referred to all week long as "The Assault on the Death Star."
Antilles drops a centering pass to Solo. Antilles skates near the left of the net; Tagge and Vader stand between the puck and the net. Solo looks to Antilles and lifts his stick for the pass. Instead, he flicks the puck to his right to Skywalker, who one-times it. And he scores! Skywalker scores his second goal of the period, and the Rebels take the absurd lead of 2-0!
First intermission -- Who would've expected this? For weeks, all everyone has been talking about was just how lopsided this game could be. Only the most optimistic gave the Rebels a fighting chance. But the Rebels have come out blasting. Skywalker has certainly made a name for himself tonight, scoring two goals on nothing less than fabulous shots.
The Empire will certainly be looking to strike back in this coming quarter. The question is, however, will the Empire be able to contain these new hot shots? We'll soon find out.
Second period, 00:00 -- Here we are at the opening faceoff, and you can tell the level of competition has risen during the intermission. If the Empire was trying to win the game in the first period, they are now trying to embarrass the Rebels. There is no doubting this when you look at the faces on these men.
Vader wins the faceoff, dishing the puck off to left wing Ozzel. He tries to shake off Solo, and dishes the puck back to Vader. There's a whistle; that'll be offsides on the Empire. By the way, the Rebels have decided to yank Dodonna from the net in favor of Carlist Rieekan. Dodonna did fine in the first, but apparently the Rebels wanted someone fresh.
The puck drops, and Vader wins the faceoff again. This time he dishes it off to Piett, the new right winger. The Empire is threatening. Centering pass to Vader, who quickly dishes it to Veers. One-timer! Good! Rieekan was not ready for such a strong, quick attack from Veers, who had just come in after Ozzel caused the offsides call.
Second period, 8:43 -- We're near the end of a full timeout called by the Rebels, who have been on the defensive this entire period. It is quite likely that the Rebels will juggle their line during this timeout, hoping to get some offense going. Here come the Rebels back onto the ice. Their line has changed. Newcomer Lando Calrissian will be playing defense in Organa's place. They line up for the faceoff.
Second period, 14:57 -- Skywalker gets the rebound from a strangely weak shot by Vader. He sits behind the net while the lines set up. There he goes, down the left side of the ice. The Empire has set up only one player on that side of the ice. Skywalker speeds up, trying to take full advantage of this odd setup.
Boba Fett breaks away from Solo and nudges Skywalker as he tries for the puck, slowing Skywalker down. Vader cross-checks Skywalker! That has to hurt! Skywalker turns around and highsticks Vader - there's the fight! The two are dueling right here, and the ref is allowing them to get some of this frustration out. Vader is certainly winning this fight, although Skywalker is hanging in there a lot better than anyone his size should against the great Vader.
The ref finally breaks it up, and we'll be seeing a four-on-four situation for five minutes. Skywalker will be out for an additional two minutes, though, because of the high-sticking.
Second period, 18:01 -- This four-on-four is still going on, and it's been a Fett-Solo show the whole time. Solo carries the puck into the Empire's zone. He looks for the passing lane, but the Empire's defense is not allowing that. Solo tries to carry the puck to the net himself, since he can't seem to find anyone open. That wasn't the best idea, though. Fett gets the steal, and there he goes! It's a breakaway, and there isn't anyone to stop him except Rieekan. Will he be stopped? Not with those moves! Goal! The game is all tied up at two.
Second period, 19:13 -- Calrissian fields the rebound. A passing lane opens up as the defense sets up. Calrissian passes to Solo. He doesn't skate very far with it, though, because Fett is there waiting for him! Solo goes down, and a whistle is blown. Fett will be called for elbowing.
But this may hurt the Rebels even more than the power play could hurt the Empire. Hopefully, Solo will be well enough to come in after the intermission. That injury to Solo shows just why that move, what we used to call the "Carbon Freeze", has been outlawed in professional hockey.Second intermission -- The Empire certainly did strike back in that last period. After an abysmal first period, the Empire came looking for blood. They struck furiously and early. It was intense, vicious hockey, culminating into a fight between the two centers.
The Rebels have a lot to worry about in the clubhouse this intermission. When the third period starts, Skywalker will still be in the penalty box and Solo's health will be questionable after taking a horrific elbow to the jaw from Fett in the final minute of the second period.
Before we get back to the action, we have just received word that Skywalker is none other than the long-lost son of Darth Vader. What an odd occurrence that is! One has to wonder if this knowledge led to the fight we witnessed earlier.
Third period, 5:03 -- The Rebels call a timeout. Well, we've seen some good hockey these last five minutes. Neither team was able to do much with the brief power plays they had at the beginning of the period. It's been all defense this period, which certainly has the fans excited. Every pass while in the zone, every check, every steal, the fans love this kind of hockey.
We have to tip our hats to the Rebels. With 15 minutes left to play in regulation, the Rebels are still very much in this game, and that's saying a lot. The timeout is over now, and the two teams go to line up. The Rebels' front line has Solo in it again, which I am certain pleases the team. So, the line returns to Skywalker, Solo and Antilles. The defense stays at Calrissian and Organa, which of course has been the defense since the beginning of this period when Chewbacca came out in goalie gear.
Third period, 13:19 -- We are in a deadlock, ladies and gentlemen! The defense of these two teams have been playing very well, and when the offenses get the rare shot on goal, these two goalies are like walls. What fantastic hockey!
Third period, 18:46 -- This game just keeps getting better and better. Palpatine has not allowed a shot to come even close to scoring since Skywalker scored on that fabulous one-timer late in the first period. After nearly 60 minutes of play, Palpatince has blocked 21 of 23 shots. The Rebels don't seem to be worried, though. Skywalker seems very confident that this game will not go into overtime.
With just more than a minute left, this faceoff could be very important. The ref gets ready to drop the puck. There it goes, and Vader dishes it off to the wing.
Third period, 19:13 -- Vader skates toward the net, but he won't take the shot. Instead, he tries to take the puck around behind the back of the net. But Chewbacca won't let him! Chewbacca makes a fantastic poke-steal from Vader, and the momentum has changed. Chewbacca sends it to Calrissian, who finds Antilles open near center ice. Antilles passes it to Skywalker, who skates into the Empire's zone as he receives the pass.
There is no offsides called. Vader is racing back to his zone to help protect the net. Skywalker drops the puck back to Antilles, but Luke might not be able to slow down! His speed carries him into Palpatine's left foot, causing Luke to drop his stick. There will not be an interference call. Antilles sets up near the blue line. Calrissian and Antillies play catch while looking for the open lane. Skywalker is getting to his feet.
What's this? Vader is pushing Palpatine out of the goalie's box! This isn't any accidental push, either, ladies and gentlemen! Vader has actually consciously decided to betray his team in favor of the Rebels. Palpatine is no match for Vader's strength. There's an open net! Antilles shoots and scores on the open net! What a remarkable turn of events! Vader has actually turned away from the Empire, and he's celebrating with the rest of the Rebels.
With 3.5 seconds remaining, there doesn't appear to be any real chance for the Empire to win. And it's all because of Darth Vader! I don't know what to think about this. Vader will certainly face horrendous disciplinary action for this. He might never play the game again, but I'm sure he knew that when he decided to do what he did. The Rebels win the faceoff, the whistle blows and that will be the game!
The Rebels win 3-2! And this crowd is loving it. I don't think we mentioned this earlier, but the crowd has really gone for this Rebel team. They've been behind them 100 percent since the second period. They don't seem to care how the Rebels pulled off this victory; they're just happy they did. So are the Rebels, who are dancing on the ice.
Postgame -- The Rebels win 3-2, and the Empire has been ousted from the top spot in the galaxy after some amazing play by the Rebels. Of course, the open-net goal by Antilles in the last few seconds of the game won't be forgotten. Vader actually turned to the Rebels in those last few seconds, and he let the Rebels win. The ties to his long-lost son, Luke Skywalker and daughter, Leia Organa - that's right, we just received word that Luke and Leia are long-lost twins - must have been stronger than they appeared because Vader acted on them.
Vader might have kicked himself out of hockey forever, but he doesn't seem to care. Once again, the Rebels win this battle 3-2. And the three stars of the game: Luke Skywalker, with two goals, Wedge Antilles, with an assist and a goal, and Han Solo.
